Recently on twitter, a mother of a 14 year old boy lamented that since she left work and became a stay at home mum, her 14 year old boy has on numerous occasions said that now she does “nothing”. My reply was that it was time to do less of the “nothing” so that her 14 year old son can also experience what it is like to do “nothing”.
How is it that running a household and spending every waking moment of the day being the project manager, restaurant manager, chef, domestic goddess (or for househusbands, domestic god) while being counsellor, negotiator and sometimes benevolent dictator and always with the patience of a Buddhist monk, is considered ‘nothing’?
For those of us who actually spend the day doing “nothing”, it means at the some time in the day and usually all at once we are being a:
Project manager – project managing and coordinating the social and sporting life of your children and not to mention, those endless school projects. Really did someone have to invent book week? Of course, then finding time to actually go to work and make enough money to support the social and sporting life of your children.
Restaurant manager - Organising the breakfast, lunch and dinner menu and also taking into account who in the house is lactose or gluten intolerant or is actually vegan or vegetarian. And then occasionally having to cater for the needs of that gluten and lactose intolerant dinner guest who also happens to be a salad hating vegan! All this while making sure the supply chain for the ingredients (oh yes, you are also the supply chain manager) to ensure that the fridge is full and the pantry is stocked. Oh those words that strike into the heart of every parent: "There's nothing to eat in this house!"
Chef – Cooking the said menu with enough for the occasional unexpected visitor(s). Remind me who needs extra for lunches the next day.
Buddhist Monk – Practicing enough Zen so that you don’t actually throw the said dinner in the bin because either:
Your little toddler really hates that vegetable today or
Your big teenage just decided tonight that they are suddenly vegan and yuck how could you eat that little lamb with the furry wool and the beautiful eyes bleating longingly for its mother or
Your very big young adult tells you at 6.30 pm just as your delicious creation is just emerging from the oven that they have suddenly changed plans and will not be home for dinner.
Domestic Goddess (or for the househusbands, domestic God) - Washing the endless supply of dirty clothes and cleaning and tiding the house that only actually stays clean and tidy for a split second until the chaos returns. In the spirit of full disclosure, I decided that being a domestic goddess was for me: paying a cleaner to come once a week and getting the kids to do their own washing as soon as they could operate a washing machine which I recall was when they turned 10! Just wondering how can I get the rubbish to take itself out?
Counsellor and negotiator - UN negotiators have nothing on parents who have to negotiate with children and teenagers for whom logic has not yet been wired into their developing brains (I think that actually happens when they turn 25) and who somehow have the knack of distorting your words intended with pure love into “you hate me!”.
Sometimes benevolent dictator – Being a parent is sometimes being the benevolent dictator, laying down the law and setting down boundaries to subjects who will no doubt respond with the predicable and very dramatic “don’t you know you are ruining my life!"
All of this is somehow considered “nothing” while sitting on a bus, then walking to the office, then spending the day shuffling papers, having the occasional business lunch and organising normally co-operative staff is considered “something”?
Maybe doing “nothing” has been associated with “women’s” work. Househusbands welcome to the world of the undervalued and unappreciated.
Someone once coined the term “emotion work”. For couples, it is definitely grounds for divorce if most of the “emotion work” or “cognitive labour” involved in running a household falls only on one partner. It is sometimes not the actually doing of the “nothing” which can be so tiring, it is the mental work in organising all the different things that involve doing the "nothing" that can be so exhausting and unrelenting.
Think Christmas and not only the “nothingness” of actually buying all the Christmas presents but also of having to decide on what to buy each and every person and then how much to spend on each person so that Christmas doesn't end up with every one fighting!
Think what to have for dinner and the “nothingness” of coming up with something different every day of your life until you die!:
So if what I do is “nothing” then this year I would like to share more the “nothingness” around. And after the privilege of doing the “nothing” for over 20 years for my amazing and actually very lovely family (who by the way actually do pitch in) as well as doing the “something” and working for nearly 40 years, if I want to spend my days really doing nothing and contemplate my navel while watching reruns on Netflix and living off Uber eats, then so be it. I deserve every lazy and indulgent minute of it.
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