Agreeably Disagreeable

Just wondering when the “D” words: Debate, Disagreement and Difference were replaced with another “D” word: Disrespect. The documentary on Netflix “The social dilemma” talks about how polarised we have become as a society. The chasm between the left and right of politics, white and black, men and women, city and country, millennials and boomers, the evangelical and progressive Christians has never been so great.

The media is now defined as either pro-left or pro-right. I am not sure when it stopped being just about reporting the news to be almost entirely editorialised.

When we only have friends who think just like us, when we go to churches that tell us that they are the only ones that know the “truth” and when the only news we listen to sounds just like us, we are in danger of polarising ourselves into cultish behaviour and drinking the Kool-Aid of whatever we are being told.

We have suburbs in Sydney which are almost entirely monocultural and who have no exposure to other cultures beyond the one-dimensional stereotypes propagated by the media.

We have single sex schools where boys or girls who unless they have siblings or cousins of the opposite sex, have no exposure to the opposite sex simply as human beings.

We have, according to The social dilemma, Facebook, twitter and Instagram, all giving us own very own personalised version of reality and of the "facts" of exactly the same event. Social media is changing our newsfeeds so that you only see the angle that aligns with your own particular view or leaning so that: “Everything sounds just like you.”

In the process, as a society we may be losing perspective as well as tolerance for other people’s viewpoint.

People who are different from us become caricatures rather than human beings whose opinions are the product of life experiences that in some cases we cannot possibly understand or know.

And the more polarised we become, the less respectful we become of anyone who is different or who holds different views. There is almost annoyance on Facebook, when someone has a different view regardless of how respectful and well-constructed that view is and also how much that view is supported by actual facts.

In the safety of some people's own prejudices and with the support of their own tribe (cult), people feel justified in name calling, people feel justified in maligning entire religions and entire races and in attacking the messenger rather than debating the message. In this world, there can be no discourse or discussion or debate.

The power of debate lies in verbalising our own justification of why we believe a certain view but also respectively listening to the opposing view where this view is delivered in a spirit of discourse and discussion. Even if we don’t move from our initial position, we can start to see where perhaps our own justifications may need some re-thought or where there may be "grey" area.

"The greatest menace to freedom is an inert people; that public discussion is a political duty; and that this should be a fundamental principle of the American government."—Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her 2012 book, My Own Words

I think the greatest gift we can give to our children is the ability to think for themselves, to have their own opinions and their own thoughts and not be "inert". We may not agree with them and they may not have the advantage of the hindsight that comes with age and experience, but if we let them have their opinions and respect their right to have them, we can at least start a dialogue and an exchange of ideas and thoughts.

As they grow and mature, they will experience first-hand how our opinions can change and they will learn to be open-minded and tolerant but above all they will learn that differences can be talked about, they will learn they have the right to be listened to and that others have the right for us to listen to them.

Maybe the tempering of passion with life experience is the beginning of wisdom. But there can be no wisdom if the passion was not there is the first place.

So is the answer to the polarisation of our society to turn off our facebook notifications, not watch the videos that are recommended to us. Do we need to start to fact check stories before we share them on-line?

I think it is part of the answer. The other part is to simply put our phones and social media away and talk to actual people.

The answer is diverse workplaces and communities where we can get to know people who are different who may not share your views or beliefs. Maybe we may even become friends with someone who is different to us! Maybe even lifelong friends.

Let’s start being disagreeable but in the most agreeable way possible. Let's also let others be agreeably disagreeable with us. Maybe not all the time, I think that may be exhausting for everyone! But maybe when it really matters to us and also to others.

The passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has reminded us of the power of being agreeably disagreeable. She was asked why she took time to write her dissenting view of why she disagreed with a number of decisions by the US Supreme court. She said:

So that's the dissenter's hope: that they are writing not for today but for tomorrow.